Part 4: The Desire To Be Preferred, Consulted and Approved

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Pick me!  Pick me!  Don’t pick them!  Don’t pick them!  The desire of being preferred means that others must be passed over to make room for me, and I’m happy about it.  It is the competitive streak of the sore loser.  It manifests itself in poor sportsmanship and arrogance.  It is quite possible, however, for an accomplished athlete to be competitively successful while simultaneously exhibiting humility.  Pride and arrogance must not be confused with confidence.

There have been times in my life when being picked last to be on a team was disappointing and humiliating.  But it was the wrong kind of humility I was experiencing.  I was experiencing a self-defilement of sorts, feeling sorry for myself and placing my worth in the hands of other people rather than in God’s hands.  In other words, being picked last hurt my pride, and I thought I needed that pride to be worth something.  Additionally, focusing on my wounded pride caused my performance in the game to suffer.  It was a kind of self fulfilling prophecy.  But even if I wasn’t at all skilled in that game it had nothing to do with my worth in God’s eyes.

The desire to be consulted is another challenge.  I’m a therapist.  I’m supposed to want people to come to me for consultation.  I’m supposed to be good at what I do and take pride in my work.  So, why get rid of my desire to be consulted?  I think it has more to do with wanting to be a know-it-all.  No one knows everything.  Even consultants need to consult with others for information and continuing education.  I may have lots of answers, but only God has all the answers.  An unhealthy desire to be consulted makes it hard to say, “I don’t know.”  The person who knows it all has nothing to learn, and that can be very dangerous.

The desire to be approved is another attempt at stroking the ego.  Like the other pitfalls in the prayer, approval can be just another way of focusing on self at the expense of others.  There have been occasions when people approved of me just to be manipulative.  “Buttering people up” is a great way to influence them.  Be wary of people’s approval.  Sometimes they just want something from you.  The desire for approval can backfire very quickly.  It can also become addictive.  Know that you are loved by God regardless of other people’s approval.  There will always be people that disapprove of you.  God may disapprove of some of our actions, but God never disapproves of us.  God is our biggest cheerleader.

From the desire to be preferred, consulted or approved, deliver me, Jesus!

Part 3: The Desire To Be Extolled, Honored or Praised

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In other words, deliver me from the desire for lots of attention, even posthumously.  In the movie Troy, Achilles (Brad Pitt) wants nothing more than for his name to be remembered for eternity.  He is the ultimate fighter.  He fears no one and nothing…except being forgotten.  Prior to facing an opponent twice his size, Achilles is told by a young boy, “I wouldn’t want to fight him!”  Achilles says to the boy, “That is why no one will remember your name.”  Theologians call it the fear of non-being.

We desire recognition because it validates our very existence.  What good are we unless someone else believes we are good for something?  We often feel we need an audience to offer some applause for who we are.  Such validation can become addictive.  It can also replace an awareness that our true goodness resides in having been created by God, not in our accomplishments.

Accomplishments are good, of course.  They are only possible because of the gifts and talents God provides.  Humility is not about pretending we have no gifts.  We’re allowed to recognize and appreciate the talents and gifts God gives us.  We can use them in constructive, loving ways.  That’s gratitude.  However, if the praise we receive becomes the primary motivation for using our gifts and talents, we are off track.  We have constructed a golden calf with which to replace God as our soul reason for being.  Rather than trusting in God, we have given in to the fear of non-being.  This robs us of true joy and replaces it with fleeting emotions.

From the desire of being extolled, honored or praised, deliver me, Jesus.

Part 2: The Desire of Being Loved

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Don’t we all desire to be loved?  Love is a good thing, right?  Why would anyone want to be delivered from this desire?  The prayer is not asking for deliverance from love, but from an unhealthy desire to be loved.  People do all sorts of destructive things to themselves and to others in an attempt to be loved.  I can recall times from my own life where this desire got me into big trouble, including choosing the wrong people to attach to and doing bad things in order to feel their so-called love.

There is nothing wrong with loving and being loved by others.  The problem is that sometimes we use other human beings to try and fill a void that can only be satisfied by complete trust in God.  Also, the desire to be loved can supersede the desire to love.  In other words, it becomes all about me.  I see this frequently in my clients when their relationships revolve around the question, “What’s in this marriage for me?”  I also see it in church goers when the emphasis becomes, “Jesus is mine!” or, “What can God do for me?”

Even the desire to be loved by God can become an idol.   God doesn’t want us sitting around soaking up his love.  We are called to take that love and spread it around to others, not hoard it for ourselves.  The goal of a Christian is not to search around looking for a church where we feel the most loved and accepted.  The goal is to love as Christ loves.  Look at the cross.  Jesus empties himself when he loves.  Jesus said, “Pick up your cross and follow me,” not “Go find the softest pew and most accepting congregation.”  Giving love is the goal.  A desire to be loved gets in the way of giving love.  Imagine Jesus throwing down his cross and saying, “Forget this, you people are too mean and you’re not loving me.  I’m out of here!”

From the desire of being loved, deliver me, Jesus, so that I may love as you love.  This is not easy.  I need your grace.

Part 1: The Desire Of Being Esteemed

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From the desire of being esteemed, deliver me, Jesus.

There is nothing wrong with being esteemed by others.  We all enjoy that feeling and validation.  The prayer is for deliverance of the desire to seek out such esteem as a validation of one’s worth and identity.  Even the desire for self esteem can become a pursuit that distracts one from trusting in God.  We live in a society that clamors for esteem, particularly self esteem.  We risk making idols of ourselves.

In one episode of “The Simpsons” Bart says grace before the family meal.  His prayer is, “Thanks for nothing God, because we earned it all ourselves.”  The allure of celebrity is another example of esteem gone haywire.  People practically worship celebrities, and the desire to be a celebrity is a common one.  The show “American Idol” is popular.  A show called, “American Humility” would likely not do so well.

It is not the esteem of others or self that gives us our worth and value.  It is God.  Every success, every breath and every heartbeat is possible only because of God.  If others esteem us, we can hope it is because we have exhibited qualities that in some way point to the beauty of God, and in that we can rejoice.  But we must not desire esteem for its own sake.  We must do our best with our gifts and talents so that others can see God, not so that we can be esteemed by others or even by ourselves.  Humility is not easy, but it is a source of true joy.  We need God’s grace.  We can’t do it under our own power.

A Walk Through The Litany Of Humility: Series Intro

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One of the most challenging prayers (for me at least) is The Litany of Humility.  Humility that is both psychologically and spiritually healthy is a delicate balance to find.  There is a danger of embracing masochism rather than godly humility.  Another danger is false humility where one actually takes pride in one’s humble ways.  The goal is complete trust in God rather than in our own psychological defenses.  Trust in God allows us to resist the need for acceptance or approval of others, to resist the need to constantly avoid being hurt by others and to seek the good of others in all things, even at our own expense.  The goal is not self-defilement but a self fullfilment only achievable by placing confidence in God.

My intention for the next several blog entries is to walk through the Litany of Humility and comment on each part of the litany as it pertains to real life applications in my own spiritual journey and daily living.  I may combine some parts into one blog post.  We’ll see how it develops.

Already I am reflecting on my own desire to do this series, as my motivation could be a bid for the approval of others rather than a humble spiritual exercise.  Since we are called by God to do our best with our gifts and talents, I suppose it all depends on my attitude.  As long as I do this for the edification of others while using my writing talents, maybe there is hope for me.  I know that I very much need this prayer.

Below is the Litany of Humility, and here is a wonderful song by Daniele Rose to accompany it:

 

Litany of Humility

RafaelCardinal Merry del Val (1865-1930), Secretary of State for Pope Saint Pius X

O Jesus! meek and humble of heart, Hear me. From the desire of being esteemed, Deliver me, Jesus.From the desire of being loved… From the desire of being extolled … From the desire of being honored … From the desire of being praised … From the desire of being preferred to others… From the desire of being consulted … From the desire of being approved … From the fear of being humiliated … From the fear of being despised… From the fear of suffering rebukes … From the fear of being calumniated … From the fear of being forgotten … From the fear of being ridiculed … From the fear of being wronged … From the fear of being suspected …

That others may be loved more than I, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.

That others may be esteemed more than I … That, in the opinion of the world, others may increase and I may decrease … That others may be chosen and I set aside … That others may be praised and I unnoticed … That others may be preferred to me in everything… That others may become holier than I, provided that I may become as holy as I should…

(More info on the psychological aspects of the prayer can be found here.

The Rosary: Vain Repetition?

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The Church devotes the month of May to Mary.  As May approaches, it is fitting to contemplate her role in the life of Christ and the Church.  The Rosary is a prayer often misunderstood by Catholics and non-Catholics alike.  I’ve recently blogged about the appropriateness of praying to saints and Mary is included in that number.  I’ve also blogged about Mary specifically and her role in the life of Jesus and the Church.  The following video dovetails nicely with my previous posts.  Mr Jimmy Akin is an experienced Catholic apologist and master of explaining things clearly and respectfully.  If you have ever had reservations or downright objections to praying the Rosary, I hope you find this video to be enlightening.  Bottom line: every Catholic teaching is ultimately about Christ.  The Rosary is no exception.

Dealing With Anger: Water or Gasoline?

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The issue of anger comes up frequently in my practice.  Whether it is a low grade irritability, prolonged resentment or full blown rage, it shows up in many relationships.  In dealing with anger it may be helpful to make a distinction between two different kinds of anger, good and bad.

Good anger is sometimes called “righteous indignation.”  Essentially, it is anger that is directed at an injustice.  It is a constructive anger because it seeks the good of another.  It can be used to improve the lives of people.  Suppose you saw a starving child and the sight angered you.  You know in your heart that children should be cared for and nurtured, not starved.  Your anger would be directed at the injustice.  Hopefully, you would be motivated to assist starving children in some way.  Mothers Against Drunk Driving is another example of good anger being used as a positive force.

Bad anger is basically a temper tantrum.  The self is usually the focus of bad anger.  This type of anger is not constructive.  It tends to promote the destruction of relationships, people and property.  People of all ages have temper tantrums of varying degrees.

Anger is often thought of as an emotion that “just happens.”  What is often overlooked is that anger is largely a choice we make.  It is really a secondary reaction to a primary emotion such as frustration, embarrassment, guilt, disappointment, etc.  When people do not deal with the primary emotion effectively, anger is the next recourse.

The primary emotions of anger can be placed into two main categories: feelings of being emotionally hurt and feelings of being put in danger.  The “fight or flight” reflex kicks in and people respond either by wanting to distance themselves (flight) or by wanting to lash out physically or verbally (fight).  However, once the anger begins to show up, we then have to make a choice.  This is when we decide either to pour water or gasoline on the flames.  Many folks don’t realize they have a choice at this point.  They just let the feeling take them for a ride rather than managing the feeling.  They claim they were “made angry” rather than admitting they chose their own reactions.

Road rage is an example of unmanaged emotions.  Being cut off by another driver may trigger feelings of being emotionally hurt (“How rude!  Can’t he see I’m in this lane?”).  It may frighten you and trigger fears that you are in danger (“I could have wrecked the car!”).  In any case, those primary feelings may lead to the next step of anger.  Then you make a choice: take a few deep breaths and let it roll off your back (water), or tailgate the other driver to get back at him (gasoline).

In relationships the same principle applies.  We need to take ownership of our own emotions and manage them.  Otherwise, we end up blaming others for our bad behavior while relinquishing our own power of self-control.

Watch this video and notice which person has control of his own anger and which person lets his anger take him for a ride.

A Happy Marriage: Some Reflections

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What makes a happy marriage?  That’s a question with a lot of answers.  I can’t cover everything here, but there are certain qualities that come to mind.  Trust, honesty, love, respect, kindness, patience and forgiveness are several aspects of a good relationship.  Are these qualities earned or are they freely given?

A marriage needs unconditional love.  This is not the love of emotion but the love of choice.  It is “agape” or godly love.  It is a love no one can earn.  No one “deserves” unconditional love.  It is freely given by choice.  It is the kind of love that says, “I love you even though you are driving me crazy and I don’t really like being around you right now.”  It is the kind of love that chooses to be married every day, not just on the wedding day.  If someone must perform to a certain level in order to be loved, that love is conditional.  Humans crave unconditional love, not performance based love, especially in marriages and families.  Beware of “I love you, but…” statements, which often indicate that love has conditions attached to it.

Trust, on the other hand, must be earned.  Trust, like fine crystal, can be broken in an instant and can be very hard to repair, if at all.  Loving a person does not mean automatically trusting that person.  Trust is built over time by trustworthy behavior.  Words do not build trust unless those words match the behavior.  It is quite possible to love a person without trusting that person.  When trust has been deeply wounded, only trustworthy behavior over a long period of time can rebuild it.  Sometimes, trust is so badly damaged, it can never be restored.

Kindness, respect, honesty, patience and forgiveness must be freely given.  These are all linked to unconditional love.  Your spouse should not need to earn your kindness or your patience.  If you are kind and patient it is because you are a kind, patient person.  If you value the dignity of your spouse’s humanity you will be respectful, even when your spouse behaves poorly.  No one needs to earn your honesty.  Simply be an honest person.  Be forgiving.  Don’t wait for the offender to “earn” your forgiveness.  Carrying a grudge is like bearing a large rock on your shoulders.  You end up suffering the most by harboring your un-forgiveness and waiting for the offender to change.

Forgiveness is not the same as trust.  Forgiving a person does not mean you automatically trust that person.  Trust
must be earned.  Trust is conditional.  You can forgive someone while still holding that person accountable for the offense.  Forgiving a person does not mean allowing that person to continuously repeat the offense.  For example, if a man steals $100.00, you can forgive him for the theft and at the same time expect that he return the stolen money and face jail time.  Forgiveness doesn’t mean letting people off the hook for bad behavior.  In a marriage, spouses must be forgiving yet hold each other accountable for behaviors that are toxic to the relationship.

Ask yourself what qualities you expect your spouse to earn, and what qualities you freely offer.  It may open up new perspectives on your relationship.

Uh Oh, Mother’s Day Is Coming! WWJD?!

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Mother’s Day is just around the corner.  Not everyone can be a mom, but we all have a mom somewhere.  Some people have good relationships with their mothers and some people don’t.  Nevertheless, motherhood is certainly worth honoring. There is no other relationship quite like a mother-child relationship.  Even a mostly-stay-at-home dad like me can’t be a mom.  Moms are special.  Only mom’s can carry us in the womb, give birth to us, nurse us and connect with us in ways no one else can.  Even Jesus has a mom, and he’s God!

So, what would Jesus do for Mother’s Day?  Let’s begin with what Jesus would not do for Mother’s Day.  He would not disrespect his mom or be rude to her.  He would not ignore his mom.  He would not address her in a way that would downplay her significance in his life and ministry.   There are folks who actually teach from Scripture that Jesus did all these things.  Addressing such misconceptions is beyond the scope of this article.  Suffice it to say that Jesus, being God and a faithful Jew, knew all about the commandment to “honor thy father and mother” and he kept it perfectly.  If you are a Christian, that makes Jesus your brother.  The mother of my brother is my mother, too.  So, guess what?  Mary is your mother!

So, what would Jesus do for his very own mother?  Being God, I suppose Jesus would save his mother from sin.  Mary herself said, “I rejoice in God, my savior.”  God did save Mary from sin, but in a unique way.  One can be saved by being pulled out of a muddy pit, or by being prevented from falling into the pit in the first place.  That’s how Jesus saved Mary.  He allowed her to be conceived without original sin in the womb of her mother, Saint Ann.  This is what we call “The Immaculate Conception.”  Of course Jesus would do that for his very own mother.  What loving son wouldn’t if he could?  God can do it, so he did it.

Jesus, being the King of Glory, would also enthrone his mother next to him as the “Queen Mother.”  Again, Jesus being God and a good Jew would know all about the role of the queen mother in the kingdom of Israel. In the Scriptures we see Bathsheba taking her place as queen mother next to her son Solomon, the king of Israel.  In fact, people made their requests to Bathsheba because they knew Solomon would listen to her and grant her requests.  Solomon didn’t stop being the king; he just respected and loved his mother and her role in his kingdom.  That’s what Jesus does as the King of Glory (like when Mary came to Jesus at the wedding and told them they were out of wine).  That’s why we call Mary the Queen of Heaven.  Because we know who the King is, and we know who the King’s mother is!  Mary gets a crown from Jesus for Mother’s Day, not just a Hallmark card or flowers!

Jesus would not only save his mother from sin, he would save her from the corruption of the grave.  This is what The Assumption is all about.  Jesus took his mom up to Heaven to be with him.  We see other people in the Bible being taken up into Heaven body and soul, so, why not Mary?  Why wouldn’t Jesus allow this for Mary his mother?  If you could prevent your mother from turning to dust in the grave before going to heaven, wouldn’t you do it?  God can do it, so he did it.  It’s only fitting.

When Mary said, “All generations shall call me blessed,” she meant it.  Mary is: 1) the specially chosen daughter of the Father, 2) the spouse of the Holy Spirit, 3) the mother of the Son.  If the Holy Trinity offers her such honor and regard, how can we dare not?  Mary is the only “perfect” disciple!  She is the only human being that was with Jesus from his human conception to his throne in Glory.  Imagine if she would have said “No” instead of “Yes” to the angel Gabriel.  Mary’s “Yes” brought salvation to the world.  Mary is the New Eve.  Her obedience undid Eve’s disobedience.

Now, if you’re thinking, “That all sounds nice, but where does the Bible say all that stuff about Mary?”  My first response is, “Where does the Bible say that everything that’s true for Christians has to be in the Bible?”  The Bible makes no such claim.  Secondly, most of it is in the Bible but folks aren’t taught about it.  Instead they are taught that Jesus primarily brushed his mother aside.  Or, at best, they are taught that she was a virgin who gave birth to Jesus in a manger, but that’s it.

Fear of turning Mary into an idol of worship has prevented people from treating her as Christ treats her.  Christians are supposed to be Christ-like.  So, for Mother’s Day, be like your older brother Jesus!  WWJD?  If you are a Christian, what will you do for Mary, your mother?  Catholics don’t worship Mary as if she is God.  We simply follow the lead of Jesus in honoring and loving her.  There’s nothing like the mother-child relationship.  Knowing this, Jesus gave us his mother.  It’s OK to embrace her.  All she does is point us to Jesus.  What else would the perfect disciple do?

For more information about Mary and Scripture, I suggest reading “Hail, Holy Queen” by Scott Hahn.  A lot of information about Mary can also be found here.

And here’s a great video highlighting Scriptural points about Mary: Video

What Do You See In The Mirror?

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“Humility is not thinking less of yourself, but thinking of yourself less.”  I can’t remember where that quote came from, but I like it.  It dovetails nicely with “Love your neighbor as yourself.”  When Jesus was asked to identify the greatest commandment, he said, “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, mind, soul and strength, and love your neighbor as yourself.”

There is a kind of “worm theology” that emphasizes human depravity to the extreme.  Such theology paints an image of humanity being no better than worms in God’s eyes until we are saved by Christ.  Once saved, we become “covered” in the righteousness of Jesus, and God then sees Jesus when he looks at us instead of seeing lowly worms.

Society and the media pressure us with “you’re-not-good-enough” messages.  Or, the message is, “You have to be better than others, so look out for number one.”  Arrogance and self-abasement seem to be popular choices.

Since we are sinful creatures, God certainly does not like to look upon our fallen natures.  However, with grace being greater than all our sin, I’m inclined to believe that God views us as creatures worth redeeming.  His desire is to actually make us clean, not just cover up the muck.  I don’t think he sees worms.  I think he sees his beloved, wounded creatures in need of healing.  Evil has done a number on us, because we allowed it to.

If we are honest, we will see flaws when we look in the mirror.  We will see our sins and our wounds.  We also need to see people worth redeeming when we look in the mirror.  When we shed the self-centered “chains” of being a “complete worm” we are able to focus our attention away from self and onto others.  Then, we see our neighbors and ourselves the way God sees us.  Then we can love our neighbors as ourselves, the way God does.  We are all wounded.  We all need healing.  We can’t save ourselves.  We can, however, point each other to the Great Physician who loves us and wants to heal us.  His grace and love can flow through us, but the “on switch” is our own humility.

No one gets to Heaven by earning it.  We can’t earn it.  But we are supposed to be there.  God wants us there with him.  That’s why we were created.  Realizing and accepting that fact is a humbling experience.  We are not worthy of being there, but we are worth being there.  God wants to remove the muck so we can enter the purity of Heaven, but he won’t force cleanliness upon us and violate our free will.  We tend to prefer playing in the muck, even though it doesn’t provide us with the real satisfaction we yearn for.  So we are offered chance upon chance to respond to God’s grace.

Self-centeredness can work in different ways.  Arrogance is placing self above others.  Abasement or degradation makes everyone else more valuable than self.  Either way, time is spent primarily thinking of self.  “Love your neighbor as yourself” is a balance that gives everyone “God-esteem.”  If you don’t love yourself the way God does, you’ll be hard-pressed to love others the way God does (especially your enemies).  Humility is the way in and the way out of your true self.  Humility is the first step towards God and true contentment.