Tag Archives: Christianity

There Are No Bible-Alone Churches

10 Replies

Some Christians criticize Catholic doctrine for being a combination of Scripture and tradition.  The thinking is that the Bible alone should be where doctrine comes from.  Tradition is thought to be “bad” since Jesus criticized the traditions of the Pharisees.  However, the fact that the Pharisees had bad traditions does not automatically mean that all tradition is bad.  The Apostles taught traditions.

There really is no such thing as a “Bible alone” church.  Every church has doctrines that are a result of someone interpreting the Bible.  It’s not as if the Bible stands behind the pulpit and preaches all alone.  What is taught is either the interpretation of the individual preacher or the interpretation that someone else has taught the preacher.  Such teachings become the traditions of that particular church.

If one bypasses the preacher and goes straight to the Bible, the doctrines that one formulates are either individual interpretations or some variations of doctrines already learned from others.  So, even then, it is not the Bible alone but the-Bible-plus-someone.

The key, then, is not to find a good “Bible alone” church, for no such church exists.  Every church has traditions handed down by people.  The key is finding the Church with the proper interpretation of Scripture as well as proper Sacred Tradition.  The Apostles had Traditions that they passed on to Christian believers.  We are told in 2Thessalonians 2:15 to “…hold to the traditions which you were taught by us, either by word of mouth or by letter.”  Therefore, one must find the Church that has preserved the fullness of both the oral and the written Traditions of the Apostles.  In other words, one must find the Church that has the Bible plus the proper interpretation of the Bible and the proper, apostolic, oral teaching of doctrine.

It was the apostolic authority and Tradition of the Catholic Church that gave us the Bible.  In other words, the Bible, and its formation, is actually part of the Sacred Tradition of the Catholic Church.  So, if you say that Catholic Tradition is bad, you are condemning the Bible.  Other churches were formed by men taking the Bible and the apostolic authority for themselves and creating new traditions.  What we now have is a plethora of Bible-plus-new-tradition combos rather than one, Bible-plus-apostolic-tradition Church.

So, again, there is no such thing as a “Bible only” church.  It really comes down to which tradition you want to rely on.  Do you want the apostolic tradition that gave you the Bible to begin with, or a tradition started centuries later by someone other than Jesus Christ and his Apostles?  If you choose the later, you must determine from where the authority of that tradition comes if not from Jesus Christ and his Apostles.  If you say, “My authority comes from the Bible,” then you are appealing to Catholic Church authority and Tradition, and you might as well be a Catholic.

The Verse That Stood Between Me And The Eucharist For 20 Years

Leave a reply

When I left Catholicism, I had to change my thinking about Communion.  I had been taught that the bread and wine became the body and blood of Jesus at Mass.  Bible-only Christians told me this was a false doctrine “invented” by the Catholic Church.  They told me the bread and wine were only symbolic.  They were quick to point me to the one and only verse that seemingly pulled the rug out from under the Catholic teaching of transubstantiation.  For 20 years that verse stood between me and the Holy Eucharist.

At the Last Supper, Jesus clearly says, “This is my body” and “This is my blood.”  In John chapter six we see the Bread of Life discourse, during which Jesus tells his followers to eat his flesh and drink his blood in order to have eternal life.  This teaching really disgusted and offended the people that heard Jesus say it.  The more they objected to what Jesus was teaching, the more graphic and realistic Jesus made his words.  To drive home the reality, Jesus even made a point of using a word that meant “chew” or “gnaw” the way an animal would eat (Tōgō in Greek).

“Not to worry,” I was told by my Bible-only friends, “Jesus is only using a metaphor, he’s not seriously expecting us to eat his flesh and drink his blood.  That would be gross.”  They called my attention to John 6:63 at the end of the discourse where Jesus says, “It is the Spirit that gives life, the flesh is of no avail; the words that I have spoken to you are Spirit and life.”  “See?” my friends would say, “It’s all just a spiritual metaphor.  Jesus even says that the flesh doesn’t matter.  The bread and wine are only symbolic, like when Jesus said he was a door or a vine.”  At the time this explanation made sense to me.

What my friends did not seem to notice, however, was that Jesus did not say, “My flesh is of no avail.”  What Jesus said was, “The flesh is of no avail.”  They are small words but they make an important distinction.

Jesus said, “The bread which I shall give for the life of the world is my flesh,” and then he told us to eat his flesh.  He also said, “My flesh is food indeed, and my blood is drink indeed.  So, why would Jesus go through all the trouble of saying how important his flesh was only to “negate” all those words with “my flesh is of no avail?”  (As if he was saying, “Just kidding!  My flesh isn’t really important after all!  Just seeing if you all were listening!”)

Which is it?  Does his flesh matter or not?  Of course Jesus’ flesh matters!  God sent his Son “in the flesh.”  His flesh was crucified.  Jesus gave his flesh for the life of the world.  The flesh of Jesus avails much!  Without it we are hopelessly lost.

The other point my friends did not mention is that “Spirit” does not mean “symbolic.”  The Spirit is what gives life.  When God created the world the Spirit moved in a life-giving fashion.  When Jesus said that his words are “Spirit and life” he did not mean that the bread and wine are “symbolic.”  God’s words have a real effect, not just a symbolic effect.  “Let there be light” is one example.  The way that Jesus changes bread and wine into his body and blood is through the power of the Spirit.  This is why Jesus says, “What if you were to see the Son of man ascending to where he was before?”  In other words, Jesus is saying, “Why are you offended at eating my flesh and drinking my blood?  I can make anything happen.  I am God.  Just wait until you see me rise from the dead and ascend into Heaven!  Would you believe that?”

So, Jesus did not say that his own flesh was of no avail, and he did not say there was anything symbolic about his words.  What, then, is “the flesh” that is of no avail?  It is our flesh!  Our pitiful, little, faithless, human reasoning is of no avail!  Jesus makes this clear when talking to the Pharisees in chapter 8:15.  They object to Jesus saying that he is the Light of the world so he tells them, “You judge according to the flesh.”  It is our human tendency to rely only on our own reasoning that is of no avail.  Jesus was telling them not to get caught up in how disgusting and gross it all sounded, but to have faith.  He would make it happen by the power of the Spirit.  Just as the Jews consumed the sacrificial lamb at Passover, Jesus would allow his followers to consume the sacrificial Lamb of God that fulfilled Passover.

The words of Jesus are Spirit and life because Jesus is God and the creator of everything.  When Jesus holds up bread and says, “This is my body,” it is the same Jesus that said to the dead Lazarus, “Come out of the tomb.”  He is the same God that said, “Let there be light.”  He is the same Jesus that cured the blind and the lame and created everything that exists.  It is no problem whatsoever for Jesus to change bread and wine into his own body and blood.  He is God.  It is we who have the problem believing it.  That is why so many of his followers left him that day.

Anyone offended by the idea of eating Jesus’ flesh and drinking his blood is looking through the lens of human reasoning rather than the eyes of faith.  That’s what John 6:63 is all about.  In verse 64 Jesus sums it up: “But there are some of you that do not believe.”

Asking The Wrong Question

2 Replies

Catholics are often caught off guard by the question, “Have you accepted Jesus Christ into your heart as your personal Lord and Savior?”  That question may cause confusion for the Catholic because it is presented in a phraseology the Catholic is generally not familiar with.  The questioner may observe a look of confusion on the Catholic’s face, or hear an answer that is other than what has been predetermined by the questioner as the “right” answer.  What follows is typically an assumption that the Catholic has no personal relationship with Jesus and needs to “get saved.”  I think the wrong question is being asked.

First of all, where in the Bible does one find the phrase, “Accept Jesus into your heart as your personal Lord and Savior?”  It is not in the Bible.  So, it’s not really a good place to start, anyway.  There is, however, a lot in the Bible about repentance, belief, faith, baptism, confession and obedience.  So, it would be better to start with one of those topics.

Ask Catholics the question, “Who died to save the world from sin?”  “Jesus,” they will say, “look right there at that crucifix.”  Good.  “Do you believe that Jesus died to save you personally from your sin?”  “Yes,” the Catholics will say.  Good.  “Who is greater, Jesus or Mary?”  The Catholics will say, “Why, Jesus is greater.  Jesus is God.  Mary isn’t God, she’s a created being, a human.”  Good.  “Are Catholics supposed to follow the commandments of God and do good works?”  “Of course we are!  What good would it do to be a Christian without following God’s commandments?”  That sounds like good sense.  “What if you sin?  Does God forgive you when you repent?”  The Catholics say, “Yes.  If we confess our sins God is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”  (OK, I admit most Catholics will not be able to quote that Scripture verse, but that is what they believe!).

So, asking the proper questions unveils a very real, personal relationship between the Catholic and Jesus Christ.  But Evangelicals and Fundamentalists that “witness” to Catholics tend to not ask the right questions.  Obviously, it is possible for a Catholic to get all those questions right in the head but not the heart.  The same could be said for the Evangelical or the Fundamentalist.  Only God knows whether the answers to the questions are genuinely from the heart.

He Is Here! He Is With Us!

15 Replies

Sometimes I hear non-Catholics say, “If I believed what you Catholics supposedly believe about Jesus being really, physically present in the Eucharist, I would be at the church every day down on my face in worship.  Since you Catholics don’t do that, I don’t think you actually believe Jesus is really there.  It must not be true.”

Well, I have to admit that there are many Catholics that fail to appreciate the real presence of Christ (body, blood, soul and divinity) under the appearance of bread and wine.  Their lack of appreciation does not prove anything except that they lack appreciation.  Lots of Catholics fail to appreciate their spouses, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t married.  What about the Catholics that do appreciate the real presence?  Why are they not constantly down on their faces in worship?

First of all, there are times when we do bow down and worship.  However, to do so constantly would not be in keeping with what Jesus told us to do.  Jesus told us to go and preach the Gospel.  In fact, at the end of each Mass we are told to “Go.”  We have worshipped, received the Bread of Life, and now it is time to take Jesus out into the world.  To huddle around the church all day on our faces would not be following Christ’s marching orders.

The Apostles spent lots of time with Jesus, but they weren’t constantly falling on their faces in his presence.  The Apostle John is known to have lovingly laid his head on Jesus.  That’s more of a calm, comforting, assuring kind of posture that illustrates how a Catholic can be all day long, even in the very physical presence of Jesus.  We can “rest in the presence of the Lord.”  Even after Jesus was transfigured and revealed his glory the Apostles didn’t follow him around groveling on their hands and knees all the time.  Jesus didn’t expect them to, either.

There are certainly times when Catholics prostrate themselves in worship to God.  Some Catholics could stand to do more prostrating.  Too many take for granted the gift that God has given them.  Unfortunately, that’s human nature.  We can become complacent and unappreciative in any relationship.  God’s nature, however, is to send his only Son to become the Bread of Life.  He remains true and his heart remains on fire for us.  There are plenty of Catholics that do understand and appreciate the Eucharist.

I think sometimes there are people that use the complacency of some Catholics as an excuse to avoid the truth of Catholicism.  No matter which Christian church we enter we are likely to find people that are enthusiastic and people that are apathetic.  The attitudes of people do not determine truth.  Truth is truth whether people appreciate it or ignore it.  If we look for Catholics that are complacent, we will find them.  If we look for Catholics that are on fire for God, we will find them, too.  Always we will find Christ really present in the Holy Eucharist of the Catholic Mass.  Jesus told us, “I will be with you until the end of the world.”

What I Hear Pope Francis Saying

5 Replies

There’s been some controversy surrounding recent comments by Pope Francis.  I don’t know why, other than maybe because of people trying to spin his words to fit their political agendas.  But, like it has been noted elsewhere, there is no left or right, there is only Catholic.

Nothing the Pope has said even remotely suggests a departure from Church teaching.  He has said, “Heal the wounds.”  The only thing that heals the wounds caused by sin is the Gospel.  Spreading the Gospel is the Church’s primary mission.  Always has been, always will be.  Pope Francis is simply calling the Church to focus on the Church’s primary mission so that other desirable outcomes will follow.  He is essentially saying, “Don’t put the cart before the horse.”

How can we expect the world to understand certain moral principles if their hearts have not been transformed by the Gospel?  We can’t.  To use the Pope’s medical analogy, it’s like spiritual triage.  The hemorrhaging needs to be stopped first.  Then other treatments can be applied.  If a person is bleeding to death, the other treatments don’t matter.  If a person has not been saved and transformed by the Gospel, it does little to reason with them about morality.  When we don’t help people to see the Gospel we come across as legalistic moralizers.  Legalism does not heal wounded souls.

I also believe the Pope’s comments echo the old adage, “People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.”  He is calling Catholics to a higher standard of love and compassion that looks beyond the wounds and sinfulness and sees the face of Jesus in each person.  Each person needs the Gospel to heal their wounds.  Then each person can become another healer.

Pope Francis just wants every Catholic to be like Jesus.  Jesus loved people first and then helped them see what they needed to do better.  Catholics have faith.  Catholics have hope.  Catholics need to make sure we have godly love before all else, for it is the greatest of the three and the only one that remains for eternity.

I love Pope Francis.  There’s nothing wrong with a loving kick in the pants to keep us on track.  The Gospel is what the human heart fundamentally craves.  The Gospel is what will draw people to Christ and his Church.  Then, with transformed hearts, their lives will be open to Church teachings.  Thank you for your shepherding, Pope Francis.

Just How Personal Is Your Relationship With Jesus?

Leave a reply

There are lots of people that say they have a personal relationship with Jesus.  Only God knows for sure who does and who doesn’t.  I’m certainly not here to judge.  Lately I’ve been reflecting on what it means to be in a personal relationship with someone.

A personal relationship is reciprocal.  When two people are good friends, for example, they trust each other with a lot of personal stuff about each other.  That’s what makes it “personal.”  There are things they know about each other that mere acquaintances probably don’t know, at least not as well as they do.  If I know a lot about a person, but that person knows little or nothing about me, that’s a one-way relationship, and that’s not very personal.  Someone might be able to find a lot of personal information about me on the internet or by rooting through my trash, but that doesn’t mean we have a personal relationship with each other.

A good example of a personal relationship is a marriage.  Spouses know a lot about each other.  The longer they are married, the more they know.  There may even be things they wish they didn’t know.  As a marriage therapist, I see it all the time.  In addition to knowing each other, spouses also know each other’s families.  Sometimes knowing the spouse’s family is a happy, joyful experience.  Other times, it can be quite trying.  In-laws can be very supportive or very frustrating to a marriage.

The point is, being married makes you a part of each other’s families.  It comes with being in a very personal relationship.  When a couple is dating, one common sign that things are becoming more serious (personal) is the meeting of the parents.  If you want your date to know your parents, and your parents to know your date, your dating relationship is likely becoming quite personal.  Most people want the one they love to be accepted and embraced by family members, especially parents.

So, what about you and Jesus?  If you are a Christian, then you are a member of the Church.  The Church is the Bride and Jesus is the Bridegroom.  Paul talks about this mystery and how marriage relates to the relationship of Jesus to the Church.  Jesus already knows everything about you, but how much do you know about him?  How “personal” is your relationship?  Jesus knows all about your parents and your family.  Have you met his parents and his family?  How familiar are you with the person of Jesus?

The Apostles had very personal relationships with Jesus.  We don’t know how long Joseph his stepfather lived, but we do know that the Apostles knew Jesus’ mother, Mary.  She was part of the family.  She knew Jesus better than anyone.  Her relationship with Jesus was the most personal of all.  For the Disciples, a personal relationship with Jesus included having a personal relationship with his mother.  Jesus affirmed this relationship from the cross when he told John (the disciple Jesus loved), “Behold your mother,” and told Mary, “Behold your son.”  From that moment, John took Mary into his home.  That is a very personal relationship.  To know and love Jesus is to know and love his mother, Mary.

Notice that Jesus did not tell John to “Worship my mother and become an idolater.”  Nor does the Catholic Church tell people to do so.  The Catholic Church simply recognizes that having a personal relationship with Jesus includes his whole family, and that his mother holds a distinctive place, not only as the mother of Jesus (God), but as the greatest disciple of Jesus.  Mary is like the moon which reflects the light of the sun.  She reflects the light of her Son, she does not emit her own light.  Knowing Mary personally is simply part of knowing Jesus personally, just like knowing one’s in-laws is part of knowing one’s spouse.

Many Christians sing a song that says, “I’m so glad I’m a part of the Family of God.”  Who is that family?  It includes more than just the other Christians here on Earth.  The family of God also includes Mary and the other saints in Heaven (the great cloud of witnesses that surrounds us).  They are all alive with Christ, and getting to know them better is to know Jesus better (more personally).  No matter who you are, there is a Saint that you can relate to and become a prayer partner with.  “The effectual, fervent prayer of a righteous person avails much,” and the saints in Heaven are as righteous as can be.  So, we Catholics ask them to pray for us and with us.  We don’t worship them or “conjure up the dead.”  We just include them in Jesus’ personal family of God.

Do you know Jesus personally?  Is your relationship with him reciprocal?  He knows your family.  Do you take time to get to know his family?  Do you know Mary, his mother, like the Apostles did?  Have you “taken her into your own house?”  If not, you might consider reevaluating just how personal your relationship with Jesus is.  Being a Christian isn’t just about you and Jesus.  And it isn’t just about you, Jesus and your local Christian buddies.  Being a Christian is about the whole family.  It’s a spiritually interpersonal relationship that transcends this present life here on Earth and centers on the person of Jesus Christ.

Catholics And Bibles

5 Replies

I’m currently reading through the Catechism of the Catholic Church.  It’s a great way to learn what the Church actually teaches rather than what it supposedly teaches (or doesn’t teach).  Too often we hear inaccurate things about Catholicism from people that either misunderstand Church teachings or deliberately distort those teachings.  It is always best to go directly to the source rather than rely on hearsay.  It is particularly dangerous to rely on sources that obviously oppose the Church, since such information is likely to be tainted in favor of the opposition.

As I read through the Catechism, I intend to post thoughts and reflections on certain topics that impress me the most.  Here is my first Catechism reflection about Scripture:

Why am reading the Catechism instead of the Bible?  Actually, I am reading the Bible.  That is one of the things about the Catechism that I find impressive.  It is very rooted in Scripture and refers to it often in support of the Church teachings.  It is, in effect, a Bible study.

One of the things Catholics often get accused of is not studying Scripture.  There are even folks who believe that Catholics are not allowed to read the Bible.  Most Catholics may not be able to quote memorized Scripture chapter and verse.  However, if they are faithfully attending church they will hear nearly the entire Bible read to them over a three year period.  The Mass itself is loaded with Scriptural references.  All it takes is listening.  If you go to Mass and actually pay attention, you will be studying the Bible.  The problem isn’t the Mass.  The problem is people not paying attention.

So, does that mean that the Catholic Church doesn’t want Catholics to read the Bible at home?  No.  The opposite is true.  Paragraph 133 in the Catechism says, “The Church forcefully and specifically exhorts all the Christian faithful to learn the surpassing knowledge of Jesus Christ by frequent reading of the divine Scriptures.  Ignorance of the Scriptures is ignorance of Christ.”  That is the teaching of the Catholic Church.  Read and study your Bibles, Catholics!

Now, the fact that many Catholics would rather watch television or play video games than read their Bibles says nothing about Church teaching.  The fact that many Catholics leave Catholicism for other churches out of a desire to study the Bible also says nothing about Church teaching.  What it says is that Catholics need to wake up and learn what their Church actually teaches and then follow the teaching.

Catholics also need to stop letting non-Catholics teach them about their own faith.  Think about it.  How many non-Catholic Christians are going to tell a Catholic to study the Bible because the Catholic Church says they should?  Not likely.  Non-Catholic Christians are typically going to say, “Hey, you Catholics don’t know the Bible and you don’t study the Bible, so come to my church where we study the Bible all the time.”  Imagine what would happen if every Catholic could respond with, “What do you mean?  We hear the Bible at every Mass.  The Church also exhorts us to study the Bible!  I don’t need to leave Catholicism to study the Bible!  I already go to a Bible study!”

Catholics, if your parish doesn’t have a decent Bible study, then either start one or find a parish that has one.  No more excuses.  Just because many non-Catholic churches have thriving Bible studies does not mean that they are teaching what is right and accurate.  Catholics may need to work on developing better Bible studies, but that does not mean the Catholic Church does not have the truth to teach.  It simply means that this is an area where Catholics need some improvement.  So, let’s do it.  It’s time we started inviting non-Catholics to our Bible studies so that they can learn all about the fullness of the Christian Faith found in the Catholic Church.  Of course, it certainly helps if we ourselves know about that fullness and what it means.

My Reversion Story

Leave a reply

I’ve created a new tab with my reversion story.  You can read it here.

The Bible And The Promises Of Christ

Leave a reply

Most of my Christian friends would agree with me when I say that the Bible is God’s Word.  They would also agree when I say that Jesus is Lord and Savior, and that his promises are true.  I would like to consider the connection between some of the promises of Jesus and the origin of the Bible.

There is a misconception among many Christians that the Church springs forth from the Bible.  However, if we use the Bible as a guide for starting a new church, we are doing things backwards.  The historical reality is that the Bible came from the Church, not vice versa.  The Church was started by Christ and thrived for 400 years before the Bible was even assembled.

Consider the promise of Christ, “I will build my Church and the gates of Hell will not prevail against it.”  Jesus promised us one Church that would never fail.  It makes no sense, then, to conclude that the Church started by Jesus somehow “failed” and needed to be “rebooted” or started over at some point.  Jesus also promised to be with his Church “until the end of the age.”  In other words, Jesus doesn’t “leave” his Church, cast it aside and start a “new church.”  The Holy Spirit sticks with the original Church until the very end of the world.

Most Christians would agree that the Holy Spirit inspired the writers of Scripture.  There were a lot of writings from the time of the early Church, but not all of them were inspired.  Not all of them belonged in the Bible.  Not all of them made it into the New Testament.  Who decided which writings made the cut?  Whoever it was, they must have been guided by the Holy Spirit, right?  It was the Catholic Church that decided which writings were inspired and which writings did not belong in the New Testament.  This is not a matter of opinion, it is simply history.  The Bible was assembled by the Catholic Church nearly 400 years after Christ.

Would Jesus start his Church, have members of his Church write inspired Scripture, guide his Church in assembling the Bible, and then “leave” his Church to start a “new” Church?  No, because Jesus does not break his promises.  The Catholic Church today is the same Church started by Jesus 2000 years ago.

Catholics are Christians.  The word “catholic” simply means “universal.”  The Catholic Church is the universal Christian Church.  In other words, it’s for everyone everywhere, including you and me.  It is wrong to assume that a Catholic is something different than a Christian, or that Catholics are not “saved” according to the Bible.  The Catholic Church wrote the New Testament Scriptures and assembled the Scriptures.  The Church has studied, preached and taught the Scriptures for 2000 years.  Make no mistake, the Catholic Church knows all about salvation by grace through faith in Jesus Christ!  Read the Catholic Catechism!

Incidentally, those who claim that the Catholic Church is “The whore of Babylon” from the book of Revelation, or that the pope is the antichrist, are using the same New Testament produced and authorized by the Catholic Church!  And for those who claim that the Emperor Constantine “started” the Catholic Church, notice that the New Testament was assembled and approved by the Church (A.D. 382 at the synod of Rome) after Constantine converted to and legalized Christianity in the early 300s.  Those who say, “Constantine started the Catholic Church!” are using the same New Testament produced and approved by what they consider to be a “false religion!”

I submit that most Christians are simply not aware of the historical and spiritual origin of their Bibles.  It took me nearly 40 years to learn it and I was raised Catholic!  The fact is, if you accept the God-given authority of the Bible, you are also accepting the God-given authority of the Catholic Church, whether you realize it or not.  Jesus did not give authority to his Church only to strip it away at some later date.  The Catholic Church is the original Christian Church.  It is only the protection of the Holy Spirit that has prevented the Catholic Church from self-destructing for 2000 years.  No mere human institution holds up under such pressures.  All other churches have been started by someone other than Jesus Christ.

If we love Jesus and the Bible, it only makes sense to love the Church from which the Bible flows.  It is inconsistent to accept Christ, accept the Bible but knowingly reject the Catholic Church.  All three of them go together.  They are intimately linked and cannot be separated from each other.  Jesus is God’s Living Word made flesh among us.  The Bible is God’s written Word.  The Catholic Church is God’s authoritative Body of Christ that preaches and teaches God’s Word.

It is important to prayerfully consider the following questions:  If the Holy Spirit guided the Catholic Church to be right about the New Testament, what else is the Catholic Church right about?  What is your authority?

*Warning* This Post Is Rated PG-13! (Contains bathroom and Spiderman references, but not too many)

2 Replies

This morning I was sitting in the bathroom minding my own business, so to speak, and all was quiet and serene.  (TMI? Hey, I need to create the proper effect here.)  Anyway, the calming silence was broken by an unsettling “plopping” sound in front of me on the somewhat dark, earth toned, vinyl tiled floor.  (Not the location where one would expect such a sound to emanate from in that context, so you can imagine my surprise.)

The intricate thought process I am about to convey was completed in less than a second, thanks to the marvelous capacity of the human brain.  “What the heck was that?  Water?  Is there a leak?  Couldn’t be a leak, there’s no pipe up there.  It hasn’t rained, either, and besides, I’m on the lower level.  What on earth…?”  After that brief second, I noticed that part of the dark, earth toned, vinyl floor was moving.  Water does not move that way on a flat surface.  In a nanosecond my eyes finally focused on a rather large centipede making its way towards me from about two and a half feet away.  When a bug hits the floor with a loud “plop,” you know it has substantial mass.

Now, being a boy who grew up in the woods, I’m generally not freaked out by bugs and such.  There are those rare occasions when a particularly large spider or snake suddenly appears in very close proximity that my natural fight-or-flight survival instincts kick in and I reflexively react with some odd noises and/or body spasms.  But usually, I’m cool.

This time I was cool, although I did feel a sense of urgency beginning to come upon me because those darn centipedes are fast.  There was no way I was going to let this one live to ambush me another day.  Who knew, maybe the next time it dropped from the ceiling it would be a direct hit to the top of my head.  Then there would really be some odd noises and body spasms.  I could not allow that to happen, especially in the bathroom where one is most…well…vulnerable.

So, as it made its way towards me, I stood up and my brain began another thought process at warp speed.  I looked around for my weapon of choice.  Toilet paper?  No.  This one was too big for toilet paper.  Might chew through it and sink its little teeth into my finger.  Step on it?  No, too messy.  I have three year old twins.  Didn’t need more mess to clean up.  Suddenly, my eyes fixed on the used washcloth that was draped over the edge of the sink.  Eureka!  It was thick enough to protect me from the beast and already in need of a washing.  I grabbed that washcloth and began stalking.  The hunted had become the hunter.  I thought I could hear ominous music playing in the background.

I monitored its movement around the base of the toilet and waited for the right moment to strike.  I congratulated myself on the calking job I had done around the baseboards, the toilet and the sink when I remodeled the bathroom.  There were few crevices it could seek refuge in.  Now, I’m usually a slow moving, easy going kind of person.  That’s because I save up all my speed and energy for important moments like this one.  In one, swift motion I lunged, scooped and threw that monster into the toilet…along with the washcloth.  Oh well, like I said, it needed to be washed anyway.

When the monster and the washcloth parted ways I rescued the cloth and flushed the bug.  Then I waited and flushed again.  No way was that thing going to swim back up and get on my six o’clock.  I flushed a third time.  Third time’s a charm.  By then it was probably sitting on a piece of debris, floating out to sea and kicking itself for trying to play Spiderman on the ceiling.  I’ll bet that centipede kicked itself at least a hundred times.

As for me it was back to business as usual with the sounds of silence to accompany me.  I looked up at the light fixture on the ceiling and remembered the old fighter pilot adage, “Beware of the Hun in the sun!”  Then I heard someone calling, “Daddy!  Where are you?”