Today, in honor of the Blessed Virgin Mary and the Feast of her Assumption into Heaven, I am posting a favorite video. The video does a nice job of summarizing Biblical elements of Catholic beliefs concerning Mary. When I was raised Catholic, I missed this biblical information. When I was Protestant, I missed this biblical information. I am glad to know it now, as a Catholic, and I am happy to share it with you.
I’ve had a request for some ideas for husbands in terms of marriage and spiritual leadership. I decided to create a list of ten things (in no particular order) that regularly come up in counseling sessions, daily life and in spiritual conversations. This list is by no means exhaustive. I personally have a lot of work to do. We all do. The point is to know what needs work and then work on it. Keep in mind that doing these things can be fun. Just because it takes some effort doesn’t mean it has to be drudgery. It all depends on your attitude. The rewards are well worth it. So, here you go husbands. I hope you find something useful here.
1) Mutual submission:
A lot is said about wives submitting to husbands. Yet, husbands are also called to submission. Jesus Christ is the model. He is the Bridegroom. How does the Bridegroom behave towards his Bride, the Church? He does not consider his position as God (the ultimate leader) as something to be grasped at, but humbles himself as a slave.* Are you that way towards your bride, or are you constantly trying to dominate and overrule her choices and opinions? Jesus submitted to the point of death for his Bride. “Husbands, love your wives, as Jesus Christ loved the Church, and gave himself for it.”* Would you die for your bride? Are you willing to let even a small part of you “die” so that she can have her way? Do you sacrifice with joy or do you allow resentment to build in your heart?
2) Non-sexual touch and affection:
If your wife thinks you want sex every time you touch her, that’s a problem. She needs hugs, kisses, hand-holding and physical closeness that has no “sexual strings” attached. Many men regard women as sexual objects to be used for their own pleasure. Not good. Your wife is a person, a human being, a child of God, not a blow-up doll. Treat her accordingly. Jesus treated women with respect. Follow his lead. Find out what she likes. It won’t do much good to hold her hand if she doesn’t like hand-holding. When you know what she likes, you know her. Then you can deliver the affection, with no expectations of having sex.
3) Kind, respectful speech and humor:
No name-calling, even when you are angry and frustrated. No name-calling. No curse words. Do not swear at your wife or your children. Speak to them as Jesus would speak to the Church, with love. Don’t say hurtful things to your wife and then try to cover it up with, “I was only kidding around.” Don’t say things you will wish you could retract. Oh, and did I say, “No name-calling?” Bridle your tongue.*
4) Eye contact and undivided attention:
When your wife speaks, listen, even if you think it is not relevant to you. If you are unable to listen for some valid reason, tell her so. Tell her you want to hear about it, and that you will listen as soon as you get a chance. Then, keep that promise. Also, give her eye contact. Mute the TV, pause the game, whatever you have to do to look her in the eye and really listen. If you forget what she said a few minutes ago, you probably weren’t really listening. Develop your listening skills if you want to be a good husband.
5) Conversation:
Being a good listener is part of being a good conversationalist. Yeah, I know, men are all about “report” (just give me the facts) and women are all about “rapport” (let’s be in synch with each other mentally and emotionally). So, conversation means different things to men and women. That’s why men generally have shorter phone calls than women (get the gist of things and hang up). Nevertheless, men, try to develop your rapport with your wife. Listen and respond with more than a grunt. Be happy with her when she’s happy. Be sad with her when she’s sad. Show some empathy. Tune in.
6) Follow through on promises, big and small:
Be faithful to your wedding vows. That’s a big one. Take out the trash when you say, “Ok, I’ll take it out.” That’s a small one. A promise is a promise. We can’t trust someone in big things if we can’t trust him in small things.* By the way, fidelity also means getting rid of and avoiding pornography in your life, your home, your computer, your phone, etc. We are all called to purity and chastity within our vocations whether we are married or single. You chose one, special woman out of millions. Love her and her alone. Forsake all others, even the paper or cyber ones. As the Scripture says, “Rejoice with the wife of your youth. Let her breasts satisfy you at all times.”* And, yes, guys, that means the Victoria’s Secret catalog needs to go, too.
7) Acts of service:
Find out what means “love” to her. Do it. Say it. Mean it. If it’s washing her car, wash it. If it’s flowers, get them. If it’s taking the kids away so she can rest, take them. Get the picture?
8) Spiritual initiative:
“Man up” and be a holy, spiritual Christian man. Jesus chose twelve, ordinary, “unlearned”* men to be his apostles. Quit making the ladies and the clergy do all the “spiritual work.” The clergy is only there to prepare us, the laity, to do the real work. That means go to church, pray with your family, read and study your Bible and your Catechism, know your faith, share your faith and be prepared to defend it against secularism, relativism, hedonism and any other “ism” that distorts truth. “For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.”* That ought to make a guy feel like wielding the sword of the Spirit to defend his family from the powers of darkness. Look at it this way: if you heard someone breaking into your home, would you send your wife to deal with it while you stayed in bed?
9) If you have children, be active and engaged with them:
You are a role model, whether you want to be or not. You are either a good one or a bad one. Be a good one. Love your children with your time, your attention, and your presence. It isn’t enough to be a financial provider. They need their dad, not just dad’s money. It also shows that the sex you have with your wife means more to you than lust or physical pleasure. It means that you and your wife share in God’s creative power together and God blessed that union by creating new human beings. If you want to know why sex is sacred and not to be used, abused or taken for granted, spend time with your children and look deeply into their eyes. Yep, that’s why God made sex.
10) Ask your wife what she needs/wants/likes:
There is no better expert on how to treat your wife than…your wife. No two people are the same. No two wives are the same. Talk to your wife. Ask her how you are doing as a husband. Ask her where you can improve, and then, actually work on it. You and your wife decided to create something that never existed before; your marriage. Your marriage is not there to serve you. You are there to serve your marriage and your spouse. Find out what you need to do better and what you are already doing well, for the sake of your marriage. With a humble heart, ask God to help you.
*I’ll let you look up these Scriptures on your own. Good way to show some initiative, men!
When I left Catholicism in my twenties it was largely due to the influence of anti-Catholic, evangelical, fundamentalist sources I encountered. It also didn’t help that my own spiritual formation and knowledge of Catholic teaching was lacking. At the time, I thought I was being liberated from a complex religious system and replacing it with a simple one-on-one relationship with Jesus Christ. In my naiveté, I regarded Catholicism as a man-made obstacle to Christ rather than a God-made organism of Christ designed to lead us to him. For a while, I took a rather anti-Catholic approach to spirituality and sharing of the Gospel.
My return to the Catholic Church was preceded by the realization that I had been taught many misconceptions and untruths about Catholicism, both from an historical and a doctrinal perspective. I had mixed emotions because I felt relieved and deceived at the same time. As I processed my transition back to the Church I realized I had to be careful. It would be very easy for me to adopt an attitude that was decidedly anti-non-Catholic, or anti-Protestant. What I mean is that I could easily have adopted a less-than-charitable attitude towards non-Catholic persons. This became particularly apparent as I delved deeper into Catholic apologetics. Debates on sensitive topics can quickly produce a lack of charity in people.
Obviously, there are non-Catholic teachings and practices I am “against.” But, I never want to be “against” any person. Genuine charity (godly love) desires the ultimate good for every person. I believe that such charity resides within Catholic teachings. What I am really against is division among Christians. I am against a divided Body of Christ. I am against any religious system where Christians function as something other than one flock with one shepherd. Since the sixteenth century the one flock has become increasingly divided and multitudes of shepherds now lead in vastly different directions.
I am not “anti” anyone. I am anti-division and pro-unity. I am for all the scattered Christians finding their way home to the Catholic Church. I am for Christians uniting under one banner instead of constantly finding things to protest and divide over. I am for Christians learning authentic Catholic teachings instead of misconceptions and misunderstandings that keep them away from home. I am for one flock with one shepherd. Jesus already established the office of Peter to “strengthen the brethren” and to “feed the sheep.” The one shepherd has always been successively present on the Chair of Peter. What Christianity needs is for the flock to reunite under that shepherd.
We don’t need a unity that flattens out diversity and creates bland uniformity. We need all the gifts, strengths and diversity of all the Christians that love Jesus Christ living in one accord. Then the world will see the Church as it should be. Rather than seeing many protesting, clustered, individualized churches competing for attention, the world will see one holy, catholic and apostolic Church. They will see the love of Christ. This is what I am for. This is why I talk about and promote the Catholic Church, sometimes juxtaposed with other doctrines. It is not just another denomination. It is where the flock finds home.
As I reflect and prepare my heart for Mass tomorrow, the following verse comes to mind:
“Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and he with me.” (Revelation 3:20)
This verse has been depicted by artists with Jesus standing outside of a door that has no doorknob. The door only opens from the inside. This illustrates the idea that Jesus does not break down the door and force himself upon us. We have to decide to invite Jesus in.
There is more to the story, however. There is something not usually portrayed in the artwork. After we decide to open the door to him, something else happens. A meal takes place. Jesus “comes into us” and “sups with us.” He eats with us and we eat with him. This is the Holy Eucharist. This is the Marriage Supper of the Lamb. This is the fulfillment of “unless you eat my flesh and drink my blood you have no life in you.” We receive Christ in Communion, in the Holy Eucharist. We partake of the meal that gives eternal life because we have opened the door to him and he humbles himself and serves it to us.
This is the answer to the question that non-Catholic Christians often ask Catholics, which is, “Have you received Jesus as your personal Lord and Savior?” The answer is, “Yes, every time I go to Mass I receive his body, blood, soul and divinity into me. This happens because I have opened the door of my heart to him, and he provides the meal.” Nothing is more personal than receiving Christ into your heart, your soul and your body.
I was reflecting on how Jesus responded to Satan when the devil tempted him to slake his hunger by turning stones into bread. Jesus said, “It is written, that man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word of God.” I used to hear those words and think, “Ok, Jesus wants me to read the Bible. The Bible is the Word of God. That’s where eternal life is found, not in the material food (bread) that I eat.” My return to Catholicism has caused me to reflect more deeply on those words of Christ.
The Bible is indeed the Word of God, but only the written part. It is easy to hear the words “The Word of God” and think “Bible.” However, Jesus is the Word made flesh. He is God’s ultimate Word. Everything God has to say to us he said in the person of Jesus Christ. The Word of God is Jesus. So, when Jesus says we don’t live by bread alone, but by every word of God, he means himself. Eternal life comes through Jesus.
Another important connection that once escaped me is the Eucharistic implications of Christ’s words. Bread alone is not Christ. Christ alone gives eternal life. A reading of John 6 shows Christ making a distinction between manna (material bread that you eat but eventually die) and him (the Bread of Life that we eat and receive eternal life from). John 6 also shows how adamant Christ is about his followers actually (not symbolically) eating the Bread of Life. A symbolic piece of bread is bread alone. It is not actually Christ, but only representing Christ. Such bread does not give eternal life. It is like the manna. The flesh that Jesus gave for the life of the world was his real flesh (not symbolic flesh). Believers need the real Jesus to have eternal life (not a symbolic Jesus). It is this real flesh Jesus commands his followers to eat (“my flesh is real food, my blood is real drink”) in order to have eternal life.
So, man does not live by bread alone but by every word of God. We need the Bible (The Word of God), and we need Christ (The Word of God made flesh). Christ says he is The Bread of Life we must eat to have eternal life. Eating symbolic bread is eating bread alone, not Christ, The Bread of Life. Christians are not meant to live on bread alone. That is why Jesus gave us the Eucharist at the Last Supper. The Word of God made flesh spoke the words of God, “This is my body, this is my blood” and it became, not bread alone, but the reality of The Word of God for us to eat and have eternal life within us. What Jesus speaks, happens. He cannot lie or deceive. He is The Word.
This is also why Catholics have daily Mass wherever possible. “Give us this day our daily bread.” Who doesn’t need Jesus every day?
When I was young
It seemed that life was so wonderful
A miracle, oh it was beautiful, magical
And all the birds in the trees
Well they’d be singing so happily
Joyfully, playfully watching me
But then they send me away
To teach me how to be sensible
Logical, responsible, practical
And then they showed me a world
Where I could be so dependable
Clinical, intellectual, cynical.
I can identify with these lyrics of The Logical Song by Supertramp. I’ve always tried to retain a sense of awe and wonder about life and avoid a cynical attitude. It’s hard to do sometimes. The responsibilities of adulthood can become rather tedious and frustrating to the youthful boy inside me. I’ll admit that I give in to my melancholy side on occasion, until I realize I’m just pouting. Then I look for something wonderful and awe inspiring to pull me out of my funk.
When I was a boy, it was easier to find the wonder in life. I suppose that’s just the state of innocence. Some of my boyhood fascinations have lost their luster. I’ve seen “the man behind the curtain.” The glitter has rubbed off. Other fascinations have endured. For example, I can still stare at the moon with awe and wonder, or look at a space photo of the Earth and try to comprehend all the people that ever lived on it. I can look at my own children and become lost in how amazing they are. I also find more awe and wonder in my relationship with God as I grow older.
Recently, I have gained a greater appreciation for the union of the material and the spiritual. There are many Christians that adopt a sort of dualism into their faith that can become rather cynical. Life becomes all about getting out of this “bad” material world and into the next “good” spiritual world. But that’s not really the goal of a Christian. The goal is to be transformed in body and in soul so that we can live in the world as it is and as it will be. In the resurrection we will get new bodies. We will not be disembodied “ghosts.” We will not be pure spirits like the angels. We will continue to be the unique bridge between pure spirit and pure material, a hybrid of sorts (1Cor 15:51). We will still be human, just changed humans. There will be a new Earth for us to stand on. That which is material will not be completely going away, but it will be renewed (Rom 8:22-23).
These days I look upon the future new Earth and my future new body with childlike awe and wonder. It is a playground for the imagination that I will never grow out of. In fact, the older I get, the more fascinating it becomes. The great thing is that it is not just a fantasy I have to eventually wake up from, like a book or a movie, but the reality of life. In fact, it is the essence and purpose of life. It’s not that this present world no longer holds my interest. It’s just that I have realized that the boy I used to be has not been shelved in a closet of memories. My boyhood fascination with life was just an appetizer for the ultimate experience of living. I will always and forever be a child of God. I’m growing younger.
(Partly inspired by “The Little Way” of St. Therese of Lisieux, The Little Flower)
The Reflective Revert 